Seriously!?

I have always looked like my mothers daughter, or at least I would have if she looked old enough to be my mother, that is to say that my mother and I have always been the kind of mother-daughter duo that often is mistaken for sisters.

I never liked being young. I couldn't wait to be old enough to be taken seriously. I was so happy to turn 30 that for the whole year, starting in January of my 30^th birthday, when asked I would say, “I'll be 30 this year (my birthday is in December). I am proud of my crows feet and point out my 3 gray hairs as bragging rights.

However lately I find that I look less and less like my mother's daughter, and more and more like my mother. My husbands (both my current and the former) have assured me that they did the check-out-the-mom-to-see-how-she-will-age-before-you-marry-her test and that I have nothing to be worried about. My mother was carded on her 40^th birthday and as I approach 35 she still doesn't look old enough to be my mom.

I know that I am no longer young when I hear that my favorite song from high school is 20 years old and that the boy that was 5 when I dated his father just went away to college.

The funny thing is that the older I get, the more I wish people would stop taking me so damn seriously!

Zookeeper

So I got a new job. I start today and I am super excited and a little nervous too. You see, I got a management position, and well the last time I was a manager I had a nervous breakdown that ended my life as I knew it. To be fair there were a few other major contributing factors that lead to the breaking down and it was not the soul responsibility of my title.

However, that being said I would like to take this opportunity to be creative with the moniker that will soon grace my business cards and determine how I sign my emails.

man·ag·er

  [man-i-jer]

noun

1.
a person who has control or direction of an institution,business, etc., or of a part, division, or phase of it.

2.
a person who manages: the manager of our track team.

3.
a person who controls and manipulates resources and expenditures, as of a household.

Sounds like a real bitch, right? I definitely don't want that, so how about: Administrator? Turns out that means one who manages, so no real improvement there.

Other synonyms include: boss, controller, conductor, director, executive, governor, handler, head, head person, officer, official, organizer, overseer, producer, proprietor, slave driver, straw boss, superintendent, supervisor, zookeeper...

zookeeper sounds interesting but perhaps a bit misleading, although there is a lot of talk of animals in a yoga studio: up dog, down dog, pigeon, cat, cow, etc... so... maybe, but no.

How about:

li·ai·son

noun,

1.
the contact or connection maintained in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc.

2.
a person who initiates and maintains contact or connection.

Yeah, that sounds nice. Yoga Studio Liaison... wish me luck!

Anger Sucks

There have been a lot of discussions lately with in my inner circles about anger; and amongst fellow yoga teachers and every other elephant journal article I've read recently the consensus is that anger is good. I would like to go on record as saying that I emphatically disagree! Anger sucks.

Anger hurts us not only emotionally but physically, as our bodies experience that intense negative emotion all of that energy is stored with in our cells transforming the way we feel and function. I always know when I am angry because of the instant physical effect it has on me. My whole left shoulder and arm starts to hurt and I can see myself through my mind's eye tucking with in myself like a injured bird bringing my wing in close to my body. As a massage therapist I see the affects of emotions on the body in my clients and nothing is more damaging than anger.

Anger hurts not only ourselves but those around us. Rarely are those responsible for our wrath the ones that we direct it to. How often have you snapped at your spouse, partner, kids, Starbucks barista or the old dude in the jalopy holding up traffic in front of you because you were angry at your boss, yoga teacher, lost word doc or the pile of dishes in the sink?

The biggest reason that anger is so destructive is that it isn't EVEN REAL! Anger is the moat, brick wall, and army of defense mechanisms that we create to keep us from feeling the true emotion that an infuriating person or event invokes. Very often that real emotion is fear, and fear, not surprisingly is, well, scary. So we hide from our fear behind anger.

The argument for the benefits of anger have been the valuable tool that it can be for learning something about ourselves. The real tool might be discovering what it is that you are so afraid of, and then upon realizing that often times fear is caused by an actor in a costume and mask playing make-believe at the fun house of horrors hiding behind the wacky mirror and jumping out at just the right moment to make you jump and scream in mock horror until you laugh because the fear, well, it isn't real either.

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear. ~ Gandhi

Update Posted 10/6/12

Because, I'm Worth It!

I used to be a NPC/IFBB Fitness Competitor, that is to say, I used to do really mean things to my body all for the sake of getting a panel of judges to think that I was more fit than the girl standing next to me. I have run miles on a torn hamstring, performed one-armed push-ups on a torn rotator cuff, denied myself water for days, carbs for weeks, taken diuretics prescribed to someone else and number of other supplements, enhancers and of course pain killers just to get though it all. I have gotten up before dawn, and stayed up passed midnight just to train. I once even had to pass through a sobriety check point on the way home from the gym after a late training session; it must have been time for the bars to close, the only bars I had seen that night had weights on them and started at 45lbs. I have dieted to the point of loosing my menstrual cycle (imagine my surprise when I found myself pregnant during one such phase!) and then during the off season I bulked up, just to diet down again.

I stopped competing, for obvious reasons, when I was pregnant with my daughter and then for other reasons after she was born. I have not “worked out” or “dieted” in five years. I still eat pretty clean but I don't beat myself up over ice cream. I practice yoga regularly and I run when I feel like it, which isn't very often, I go on long bike rides with my husband and short ones by myself. I don't think I can do a one-arm push up anymore but I can do side crow. All and all I would say that I am healthier now then I ever was as a spokes person for exercise and nutrition.

So why can't I get over the guilt?

I hurt my foot showing off in a yoga class about six or eight weeks ago. Feet and toe injuries are kinda like rib injuries, you can't do anything for them but wait it out, and as I discussed in an earlier post, patience is no friend of mine. So the healing process is taking longer than it should. It feels fine most of the time, but if I practice yoga it throbs for days, running is out of the question and when I wore heels to a dress fancy event the other day I almost died for fashion. And so, I have been taking a needed/deserved break from anything that involves standing. It's been two days... and I have enough guilt to start my own religion.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not take the care we deserve, the help we need, the rest we require? To whose standard am I trying to live up to? There is no panel of judges in my life. No point system, no list of required skills I must perform in order to prove myself worthy. Julia Roberts in the film adaptation of Liz Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love said that she was thru with the guilt and she was just going to buy a bigger pair of jeans! And as soon as my foot feels up to a walk through the mall I just might have to do that! In the mean time, I will have to make like a L’Oreal commercial and affirm that “I'm worth it”.

With the Power of Thought... WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD

I’m a girl so naturally I cry, a lot. I cry about spilled milk, water under the bridge, bad hair cuts, SPCA commercials, savasana, Disney films, etc... Add a glass of wine to this mix and I am a veritable pile of emotional mush.

It is for this reason that I don't watch the news. They say that if you are not pissed off, then you are not paying attention. And this is true. I choose to not live my life in a state of pissed off so purposely I remain in my state of ignorance is bliss. This is not to say that I am dumb, or uniformed. I gather information regarding relevant current events from a number of unbiased and reputable sources and of course, because sometimes you have to laugh about it so you don't cry about it, the Daily Show with John Stewart. But I do not watch the local tally of how many people killed each other in my neighborhood, or accounts of local idiots who were surprised to find their cars up trees after running a red light while text messaging their ex for a drunk booty call (this actually recently happened in my neighborhood).

This morning however the news found me. During the commercial break of my favorite cooking show a preview for the evening news aired telling of a story about a woman who killed first her two young boys and then herself. Not a common story but certainly not an unusual one. This story hit me, and it hit me hard. I was instantly teary and the well of emotion rose and gained strength as the words of the newscaster echoed in my mind for the next few moments. I found myself sobbing with grief over people I had never met, and the state of the world today.

I have recently heard of a study that was done in Washington DC, about the power that thoughts have. A group of a hundred people gathered and meditated on positive thoughts every day for a month. The amazing results of this experiment was that with in that month the crime rate in Washington DC went down by 20%, in the month immediately after the crime rate instantly rose back to the higher rate. I would like to ask that everyone focus on positive thoughts. Stop watching TV aimed at making you angry, stop paying attention to all that is negative and instead focus on the blessings in your life. Count them one by one each moment of each day. Be grateful for the small things and give no attention to that which is not positive. Perhaps if enough of us meditate on positive thoughts we can change the world.

Balance and Blessings

Mabon, or the Autumn Equinox, reminds us to find peace in balance and to count our blessings. I have always loved the Spring Equinox above all other holy days, for I grew up in a place where longer days were a thing to rejoice!

In the Pacific Northwest during the fall and winter months the sun can go down as early as 4pm, add to that the fact that the sun never really comes out at all and you have a recipe for a serious vitamin D deficiency also known as Seasonal Effective Disorder. Living in the dark can make you feel dark and the coming of spring always gave me a overwhelming feeling of relief.

However, for the last few years I have been living in either a desert (Phoenix has summer temperatures up to 120*) or in the sub-tropics (Costa Rica and Florida where it's not the heat it's the humidity, but it's still pretty freakin' hot, so it's the oppressive heat!). And so I find myself with an overwhelming feeling of relief for the coming of fall.

Equal parts night and day, dark and light, spring and fall, there is balance in the universe and so there shall be in my life!  

I am grateful for the summer rain that has made my world juicy with life.

I am grateful for the warm sun's rays which have kissed my skin with a healthy glow.

I am grateful for the heat that drove us into the healing salt water bath of the Gulf waters.

I am grateful for the summer storms that lit up the sky with awe inspiring light displays.

I am grateful for the safe shelter (aka: central air conditioning unit) of my home!

Metta: a Practice in Loving-Kindness

Metta is a word that means loving-kindness. When we practice Metta we bring loving-kindness into our lives and the lives of others. The following is a Metta meditation that I like to do either as a quiet seated meditation or along with my yoga practice.

Think of people that you are close to, loved ones, family, friends... as you picture each one look them in the eyes and say, “I wish you peace, joy and happiness”.

Think of people with whom you have a casual acquaintance, co-workers, neighbors, yoga teachers... as you picture each one look them in the eyes and say, “I wish you peace, joy and happiness”.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. Breath in their love for you, breath out your love for them.

Now think of people for whom you have dis-like or have had a temporary misunderstanding with... as you picture them, look them in the eyes and say, “I wish you peace, joy and happiness. I have no ill thoughts or feelings toward you and I know that you have no ill thoughts or feelings toward me”.

If YOU want to be happy, practice compassion. Breath in their forgiveness of you, breath out your forgiveness of them.

Think of all the people in the world, those you have not yet had the pleasure of meeting... as you picture the worlds population, those with similar and different views from you on politics, religion, money... picture each person on earth as if they were a reflection of you. Look at yourself with in that reflection and say, “I wish you peace, joy and happiness”.

Look at yourself, see yourself as you are today, in this moment. Say to yourself, “I wish you peace, joy and happiness”. Repeat the word “metta” to yourself for as long as you need.

Remember to carry this feeling of loving-kindness with you as you go out into the world today.